The word smiths of the Daily Post division of Word Press must have magical powers that lets them see into my past! They chose “The Guilt that Haunts Me” for the prompt for the day. Made one statement, followed by two questions to drive us mad with our guilt -“Share a time when you were overcome with guilt. What were the circumstances? How did you overcome you guilt?”
My biggest Guilt
Back after we left our home in Colorado to move into a house located in Wisconsin, there was no work available for me in my line of employment. The only job I was able to find was at a really bad Walmart store in Superior, WI. Ended up trying and failing in several positions located through out the establishment. Was allergic to the chemicals in the lawn and garden department. Tried working in the Sporting Goods area, but since my balance was off due to my multiple sclerosis I refused to risk climbing a ladder. So they demoted me to the position of People Greeter. (Tend not to be a people person by nature…) Went to stock the entrance shelves, left my wheelchair sitting by a cash register, then used a shopping cart to help me walk to stock the shelves. When I returned, my wheelchair was gone!
Originally got that wheelchair back in 1996 less than a year after I married my husband. Needless to say, I panicked! Had a department manager get on the loud speaker asking for the return of my chair. Was a long day, a young man with a cast on his leg had seen my chair and thought it looked better than the strictly metal ones the store provided for customers. After that happened, put a sign on the chair that read “Personal Property of (my name)”.
Got sick one day while working at the PG position. Was not able to get permission to use the restroom fast enough. Ended up literately shiting my pants. Cleaned up the best I could in the bathroom and told management I needed to go home. They tried to argue until I took my work smock off and they could see the mess that was hiding beneath it. They gave me several shopping bags to cover my car seat with on the way home.
If that wasn’t enough, we were not making enough money to survive on between my little income and my husband’s two jobs, we had to use county food shelf services. Went to work one day and purchased NyQuil before I left. The cashier reminded me to read the directions and he hoped I would be feeling better tomorrow.My husband was working a late shift, he was leaving as I got home. Told him I loved him, he told me he’d see me when he got back from work. Heard him drive out the drive way, so I opened up the NyQuil bottle. Dug out my prescription of Neurontin which was supposed to stop my seizures (actually caused me to contract grand mal seizures) set it beside the NyQuil bottle. Wrote letters saying that I would never see them again to several people, put stamps on the letters, and went out side to place them in the mail box. Called a friend to say good bye one last time before I committed suicide. She kept me on the phone for a really long time, she kept asking me information about where I lived now. (Her husband was calling the local police where I was living.) She told me I had better write my husband a really long letter saying fare well to him. Told her I had already done that, it was sitting on the kitchen table as we spoke. She told me to make sure this was what I wanted. Let her know exactly how I was planning on doing it, wash the pills down with the NyQuil and finish off the remaining NyQuil after all the pills were down my throat. She kept asking if I was sure that would work, I replied if it didn’t would have to try slitting my wrists properly (most people do it wrong). We eventually said good bye. Set the phone down and got ready to go through with it…
heard someone pounding on our front door. Figured someone had car trouble, so I went and answered the door. Was a state trooper coming to take me away to a mental lockup! The officer let me get a change of clothes to take with me. Let him know about the letters in the mail box, he let me take them out of it. Was driven up to a hospital in Superior. He left me at the intake part of the facility. So began my biggest piece of guilt in my life. Was over two days before I got to speak to my husband on the phone.
The third day he came up to visit me in the hospital. He admits he didn’t believe me when I warned him I was going to kill myself. We do not keep NyQuil in the house anymore, regardless of the weather. Took many months before we were able to relocate to a different state of the US. Took us resettling back in Missouri, where we had originally met before our relationship started getting back to normal. Feel really guilty for putting him through all that mess!
Please help fight my disease
The medicine my neurologist has me on for my multiple sclerosis is called Tysabri. Trying to find the actual cost on the internet is impossible. I remember when I first started on it , the amount the facility tried charging me was well over $2500. There was no way my husband and I could afford that every 28 days! Biogen (manufacturing drug company) has been helping us with some of the cost of the drug, but will not continue helping indefinitely. So I have started a Go Fund Me campaign. To contribute to it click, on the following link: https://www.gofundme.com/zfabhdes
All help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your generosity!
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